ENTER THE MONGRELMAN
Zombie Dan Abbott
Cast of characters:
Megloo Morkath…[S](Gully Dwarf/Mongrelman)
Villagers…[S](at least 5)
Snail Lord…(giant carnivorous snail)
Shelom Shelock…(a flamboyant wizard/barber)
Bebir…(a fire elemental; Shelom’s familiar)
Gastagog the Nice… (Necromancer)
Hench…(The Necromancer’s black hearted torturer)
Gorgorum…(The Necromancer’s undead jester)
Yellow Knight…(a hopelessly noble knight)
Konstable Tervis…[S] (a plodding turtle-man cop)
(‘[S]’ indicates a singing role)
(The outskirts of a medieval village, on a dirt road littered with
refuse. Villagers stand at STAGE LEFT, hurling garbage along with
insults at a ragged, lowly bearded dwarf.)
Begone from this village, foul wretch! You’ve darkened our doorstep
He’s blighted the onion patch!
He’s soiled the radishes!
The cattle give no milk!
The well has gone black!
He’s given me the love pox!
(Uncomfortable silence as the villagers eye their companion, then
regroup in song. The villagers trade off ,singing a line or so each
from the song before the next, chorus is sung together)
The village isn’t what it used to be
We toil and scratch at soil in misery
The crops have failed and Market Day is near
Someone is to blame
Someone’s not the same
There’s been naught but trouble since the day he came
It’s the Gully Dwarf
The gully dwarf
The gully dwarf’s to blame
The rubbish heap is where he makes his bed
Lice and fleas infest his bearded head
A more disgusting sight I’ve never seen
He’s always got the splats
His sack is filled with rats
When I pass by I kick him in the slats
It’s the gully dwarf
Stretch him on the rack!
It’s the gully dwarf
Begone and don’t come back!
To think that we once trusted him to catch our plague rats. Begone,
Villagers (in unison):
(In a hail of garbage MM cowers ands flees down the road.)
And don’t come back!
Humph! That’s a fine way to thank me, after all these weeks of
service. Megloo, catch the plague rats. Megloo, empty the chamber
pots, Megloo, tend the garden! Megloo, sleep in the dung heap with the
(Begins to sob wistfully)
Oh, how I’ll miss you, village!
Megloo walked the great road for days, bemoaning his ill fortune and
lowly station. His grief was so great he noticed not his increasing
peril, for he had wandered into the realm of the dread Snail Lord…
(MM walks into the road, in a decrepit and spooky giant lettuce patch.
He does not notice a gigantic brooding snail who wakes up out of his
shell at the sound of weeping.)
MM: (weeping openly)
Bwahwaahwaaa!!!! Cruel fate! Why have the gods cursed me with this
lowly form? By the same turn I could have been a mighty warrior, tall
and strong! Or a clever gnome wizard, with magic bones and spells of
power. But alas! Alack! I am cast out as the stupid, the ugly, the…
(“Rushes” forward, trapping Megloo beneath him)
Egad! My luck has increased! Now I am as helpless as a lettuce leaf.
Hahaha! Wretched creature, you have oozed into my domain. Soon I, the
Snail Lord, will devour you, my little morsel. I smell upon you the
savory tang of rotten radishes, dung heaps, and barley juice. Pray,
what manner of creature are you? You must be a baron at least to be
scented so… uniquely…
Snail King, I am a mere gully dwarf. The lowest of the despised! Cast
out and spat upon, the dregs of society!
(Musical interlude: “Dregs of Society”)
I’m the side of life that noone likes to see
I don’t contribute to the economy
Everywhere I go people pull away their kids
They don’t want em to know that people like me exist
I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty
Everywhere I’m at the property value goes down
Nobody ever wants me to be around
People wish that I would just go away
But I ain’t got nowhere to go so I’m here to stay
I’m the dregs of society
Yes, I’m the dregs of so-ci-e-ty (Repeat)
How very amusing. Such fun! All this excitement has certainly given me
a tremendous appetite.
Uh Oh. Snail King, I beg you not to eat me. Think of the indig- indi-
uh, stomach ache.
Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should devour half of you now, and
half later. That way I shall have a snack after my nap.
I must voice my objection.
Very well. I will let you choose for me. Which half of you should I
devour first- the left or the right? (hears a noise) Wait a moment! Do
you hear that rustling sound in the forest beyond? What new flavor
Oh, terror and dread!
(Cowers behind a lettuce head)
(ENTER SHALOM SH’LOCK, a tall, flamboyant wizard dressed in lavish
wizardly robes, and several bags and pouches hanging from his belt. In
one hand he is constantly and wildly gesticulating with a pair of
scissors. He is entranced by a large flower opposite the Snail Lord,
and walks up to it.)
Ah, what a glorious specimen! (stoops to sniff)
Snail Lord: (to Megloo)
Wait right here.
(he starts towards Shalom at an infinitesimally slow pace)
SS(not noticing the snail):
Bebir, come before me!
(waves hands mystically.)
(Poof! Enter Bebir, a small red demonic creature with tentacles
drooping from its face)
Yes, Master! How can I serve you this time?
Tell me Bebir, what is this flower? Its beauty dims the very sun, and
its fragrance makes the finest perfumes in the kingdom shrivel the
nostril by comparison.
Oh everlucky master Shalom Sh’lock. The flower you speak of is the
famed Rugondis blossom. Its nectar can be fermented to make a powerful
poison…or a delicious beverage! Its petals can be boiled to produce
perfume delightful beyond reckoning. The stem- well, you throw away
the stem. It’s useless.
What a glorious discovery! I have heard of this flower. Its aroma is
known in the most decadent parlors and palaces, where pallid ladies
blush at its mere mention. With this scent in my arsenal of grooming,
I will commit acts of delicious barbary, and trim the finest beards in
Yes Master! (looks behind S.S. at the Snail Lord, who is gradually
approaching.) It occurs to me that I’ve never seen you coated in
Hahahahaha! Bebir, you delight me with your outlandish jokes. I will
never be coated- whoa!!! (as he is attacked by Snail Lord.)
Treacherous servant! Bebir, why did you not warn me?
I was thinking about you covered with slime! Tee hee hee!!!
Megloo: (conflicted, peeks out from behind the lettuce)
What should I do? If the snail lord is victorious, I may be spared his wrath.
Snail Lord (while battling, calls over his shoulder)
Don’t bet on it!
But if I help this strange barber, I may lose my standing in the Cowards’ Guild.
(Megloo decides after brief mental torpor)
I have deci- uh, deci- uh, chosed.
(Megloo joins the battle, and strikes the final blow against Snail Lord.)
Snail Lord: (in death throes)
Alack! To be slain by one’s own snack…
Well done, my pungent friend! You have my gratitude! I was very nearly
the main course.
As a show of thanks for such bravery, I will bestow upon you a boon.
What would you have me do?
Um, actually, I think-
Aha! I see that for you, no gawdy trinkets of piles of gold and jewels
will suffice to pay my debt. What you need, O brave wretch, is the one
thing I can give you.
Er, what’s that?
Why, the gift of grooming! I am the greatest barber in the world. I
will trim your beard, and cut your hair. Your skin will glow, your
nails will gleam. Even your lice will be clean and well-manicured. You
will be my greatest challenge and my boldest triumph!
Megloo(overcome with emotion):
What kindness! You have offered to take away my abundant grime, so
that I should merely be an ugly and stupid dwarf. I don’t deserve you
as a friend. Allow me to embrace you. Come here! One kiss of thanks!
Shalom (nimbly avoiding contact):
No thank you! We must begin to remedy your stench without delay! Sit down here!
(produces a complicated kit and ties a sheet around Megloo)
A trim here! A snip there! A dab of perfume… Er… A SPLASH of perfume!
(Megloo cannot be seen as Shalom does his work)
Quiet please! This is the most difficult part. With the petals of this
Rugondis blossom, I will cast a powerful magic glamour upon you. You
will be the most attractive gully dwarf ever known.
Ah… Ah… Choo!
(chaos and noise ensue)
Gadzooks! The spell has gone awry! What has happened?
I feel pecli-pecul- uh… weird.
Why did you have to sneeze? My spell was disrupted!
(silence as both of them notice Megloo’s hands, which have become an
oversized claw and drooping tentacle, respectively. They look at each
other, somewhat disbelieving)
Ummm… How long will it last?
Er, I said, how long will it-
What beauty! What an entrancing form I have created! My magical
barbary has made you delightful indeed to behold. Neither man nor
animal, you have become… a MONGREL MAN!!! (suddenly in a hurry)
Well, my accidental swan, I see my work here is done. Goodbye for now.
So Looooooong!… (EXIT SHALOM)
But what about… my hands?
Oh, woe upon woe! I was content to be merely the ugliest dwarf in the
land. But now I smell of flower petals and shampoo, and I am the
ugliest creature of all! And life’s only pleasure has been taken from
me. (cries into his claw, then suddenly changes moods)
Well, at least the worst is over.
(Walks a few steps and steps into a bear trap. Sighs and shrugs, then
howls in pain and falls to the ground)
(END ACT 1)
(While curtain is down, a virginal victim is led up to the front by
several black-robed cultists. They begin a sacrificial ritual)
Musical interlude: “BLACK MASS” (as song ends, the curtain goes up)
Tonight’s the night for unholy feast
On the ground we trace the sign of the beast
Prepare your soul for the ancient rite
All our dark desires will be achieved tonight
The invocation has begun
Unholy fires that must be quenched with blood
Plunge the knife into the virgin’s throat
Dark Lord appears- Kiss the goat
(as the curtain rises, the cultists fade into blackness)
ACT II: “The tears of the necromancer”
(A great hall/throne room in the Necromancer’s tower. The Necromancer
stands over a steaming cauldron, humming wickedly. Next to the
cauldron there s a table loaded with various bones and putrid-looking
objects. Nearby, a zombie in a jester’s outfit stands waiting
passively, musical instrument in hand)
(chants out a spell in a foul tongue)
At last, the final stage of my recipe!
(pours into the cauldron from a jug marked with a skull and crossbones)
Just a pinch of filth…. And a dash of despair…. A fungus grown from a
dragon’s loins…. Gorgorum!
(Gestures to undead lackey)
Come hither, my undead lackey!
(Gorgorum shambles over in classic zombie fashion. Necromancer dips
into the cauldron with a spoon and holds it up)
Here, taste this.
Uhhhh…. It’s putrid enough. Something is missing though.
Indeed. What criticism could your decaying taste buds possibly level
at my foul brew?
It needs more… braiiiiiins!
I knew that was coming…
Are you giving up necromancy now? You could make more coin in the inn
selling this stew.
Stew? This is no mere stew, you mouldering moron. It is the product of
60 years of research, treachery and bloodshed. An ancient recipe for
plague and pestilence. Behold… ghoul-ash, the taste of Evil!
(Gorgorum peers into the cauldron skeptically, then back to the Necromancer)
It’s not that bad.
Not Bad?! I was once the royal family’s personal chef. Before they
banished me. Me! Gastagog! The dark lord of cookery!
But you poisoned the prince. On his wedding night.
He insulted my fondue. And since that day, I have plotted my revenge
upon the Silver Kingdom. And finally, tonight, my plan will bear its
bitter fruit. Bring forth the turnips!
(Gorgorum brings the turnips. Gastagog drops them in the cauldron).
So you see, my rotting companion, once the pitiful peasants nibble at
these turnips, a great and terrible plague will begin. Those who die
will rise again after 3 days, as mindless zombies under my control.
From this wretched mass I will forge an army of undead, and sweep
across the land…
How delightfully wicked! But how will these accursed turnips find
their way to the mouths of the human scum? Your arch-enemies, The
Guardians of Light, have banished you from the kingdom. And none but
the most brainless traveler would buy turnips from you.
And anyone with brains, you would eat.
(just then a commotion erupts from the side of the stage. Megloo
Morkath falls onto the stage, as if pushed forward. Behind him is a
cruel-looking green-skinned monster with a whip. He whips Megloo and
Megloo: Please! Stop! Ouch! (etc.)
(shields himself with claw)
Hench: Ha ha ha! There’s more where that came from!
(Hench comes before Necromancer)
Hench: Greetings, Master. I return from the valley of Men.
Necromancer: You’ve been gone for nearly a week. What tidings do you bring me?
Hench: The humans are like fat sows, preparing for Market Day. They
hide in their homes at night and frighten children with your name.
Necromancer: Ex-cellent. And what of this…
(gestures at Megloo confusedly)
Necromancer: this…thing here?
Megloo(stammering with fear): M-m-m-m-meh-meh-
Hench: (whipping Megloo)
I found this one in one of my elf-traps. He didn’t have the sense to
chew his own leg off.
That’s the ugliest elf I’ve ever seen! I thought the elves disposed of
Necromancer(turning to look at MM):
You blithering corpse! This is no elf. He’s a gully dwarf… isn’t he?
Um, yes, I-I-I am. Uh, M-Megloo Muh-muh-morkath, sir mister wizard
sir. How do you know?
Hench: What in rot’s sake is a gully dwarf?
I have learned many things in my studies of the wretched and perverse.
This, my verdant minion, ranks among the most wretched creatures in
the world. He is a gully dwarf, the filthiest, mostly lowly cousin of
Man. His brain is like a rotting pumpkin.
Somehow I’ve lost my appetite.
But he has the smell of rugandis perfume upon him.
And magic! From the look of things, some wizard used him for an
experiment. It’s not a bad idea, but it can be so messy.
Are you a wizard, sir?
Me? Hmm, goodness no, I’m a farmer.
We harvest suffering.
But I know a few little tricks.
Megloo: Could you fix my arms? I could clean your sewer in return.
Please, please, help me. I’ll do anything.
(begins groveling at Necromancer’s feet)
Ugly vermin! None dare touch the master. I’ll feed your eyes to the rats!
Silence! I might be able to assist you with your problem, Gully-dwarf.
Gorgorum & Hench:
But first you must help me with mine.
Ooh! What is it? Your trash heap? Your chimney?
Market Day is coming fast, Megloo. I need an honest minion to take
these turnips to town, and give them away to the good people of the
(Gorgorum and Hench try to contain their laughter and look at each
Give them away? You must be a nice wizard.
The nicest in the land. In fact, if anyone asks you whose turnips you
give away, tell them Gastagog the Nice.
Gee, thanks. I don’t know what to-
Yes, yes. Go, quickly. It’s a 3-day hike to the nearest village.
Gorgorum will help guide you to the proper place.
As you wish, master.
(Exit Megloo and Gorgorum)
Master Gastagog, do you think that witless pair can fulfill your
quest? One is brainless and free from cares, and the other is dead and
cares only for brains.
Trust in Chaos, O foul Hench. Once the penniless peasantry find our
turnip-laden gully dwarf, they will rip him apart, brains or no
brains. Then, as they feast…
Hench: The Plague Eternal!
(Hench and Necromancer laugh maniacally)
(END ACT II)
“Knight of the Plague”
(A meadow in the forest. Megloo Morkath lies sleeping noisily.
Gorgorum stands over him looking annoyed and bored. As dawn
approaches, Gorgorum kicks MM awake.)
Oof! By the smudges, why do you torment me so?
Dawn approaches, Mongrel–man. We must make haste or fail our quest.
Your master must be kind indeed to give away such juicy turnips. In my
village, eating a turnip was said to cure love blisters.
Er,indeed. Master Gastagog is deeply interested in the suffering of
peasants. Including you, Ugly one.
Thanks so much! I just wish I had my real hands, so I could carry this
Your agony will build character.
(commotion in the distance. Suddenly a blonde knight in golden armor
runs on stage, apparently retreating from something. He carries a
broken sword and a dented, dilapidated shield)
You may have won this round, cruel foe, but I’ll be back! Good always
triumphs over evil! (forces a laugh) Haha!
Ogre (from off stage):
Har Har! Come back any time, puny manling. I’ll mop my cave with your
pretty golden locks! Ah hahahahahaha!
(Knight looks at his broken sword, and his shoulders hunch in despair.
He begins to weep uncontrollably)
Uh… Something wrong, sir?
Yellow Knight(startled, trying to choke back tears):
No! Everything… is splendid. The sun shines down on another glorious
day, another chance for me to prove my valor.
It looks as though you had your chance today.
(Knight recoils as if slapped and begins weeping again.)
Are you a wizard?
No, my young squire. I am Lethos, a Warrior of Light, sworn to protect
all that is good and right.
What happened to your sword?
Little friend, you ask many questions, but I will answer you fair and
true. I met with a most grievous foe, a creature of vile and powerful
evil beyond even my powers. The hated Ogre of the Woods, who gobbles
the innocent and pure.
It’s not too late. Go back there and prove your valor to me.
When I see an Ogre, I hide until he leaves. They like to stomp us. Why
did you attack him?
I have embarked from the Silver City on a self-appointed quest to
promote goodness. Only when I have successfully championed the
innocent and weak will I be a full Silver Captain. Until that day, I
remain the Yellow Knight.
Now that I have answered three questions, my ugly friend, I should
deign to ask of thee: What is your name, and what dangerous quest
brings you upon the Necromancer’s road?
I’m uh, Megloo Morkath. I’m taking these turnips to Market. I’m going
to give them to the peasants.
Give them away? Oh ho ho! My poor dear mongrel, you seem to be having
a bit of trouble bearing the fruits of kindness.
Uh, I guess so.
Perhaps I can help you with your burden. Will you allow me to carry your sack?
Gee… um… I don’t know… It’s my responsi- responsibuh- my job.
Pleaaaase, squire Morkath. Allow me to do you such a kindness, and
accompany you and your…companion… to ease your torment and promote the
goodness of free turnips for all!
Ogre’s voice (from offstage):
Turnips?! Me want turnips! Give!
(Megloo abruptly hands Yellow Knight the sack)
Here ya go!
I am in your debt.
You know, since we’re giving those turnips away, there’s no reason the
Ogre can’t have one.
Hmmm… Perhaps you are right, O rotting companion.
(reaches into sack and calls offstage, looking up at ‘Ogre’)
Ho there! Ogre of the woods! Will you agree to a truce in exchange for
a turnip, and commit no further evils upon my flesh?
Hungry! Give Turnip! Me no smash you!
Very Well. With this turnip of goodwill, I usher in a new age!
(tosses turnip offstage)
Ogre(between chewing sounds):
Mmmm! Turnip! Ohhhhhhh!
Oh, Ogre feel weird…
Already the feeling of joy spreads throughout the land! Come friends,
Let us dally no longer. The peasants await!
(A village square, decorated for a medieval bazaar. Shelom Shelok
stands up on a fruit stand, trying to evade and calm down a group of
Please, please, form a neat line and I will groom you all in good time!
We’ve had enough of yer perfumes and witcheries, Everlucky!
Look at my hair! He promised I’d be the envy of the entire village. Do
any of you envy my ill groomings?
All villagers(In unison):
This Shelom Shelok promised me a perfume none would forget.
On that count, I think, time will prove me right.
(villagers roar in renewed anger)
My good, simple dirt-scratchers. I will put right whatever is wrong.
Obviously the herbs in your valley are substandard. For a mere 20
silver, I will put all to rights.
(villagers roar in anger)
Very well, very well. Fifteen silver pieces?
There’s only one thing to do!
Only one way to set this right!
(Music begins playing)
(ENTER KONSTABLE TERVIS, a plodding, dour-faced turtle adorned with a
policeman’s cap and a sheriff’s star)
(Musical Number: “Konstable Tervis”)
What seems to be the twouble here?
He’s Shelom Shelok! The Barber-bandit! He’s a witch! He’s a charlatan!
Thoese are vewy sewious charges, Mister Shewom Shewok. How do you pwead?
I have diplomatic immunity from these accusations. The duchess is a
close personal friend of mine.
Weawwy? Well, then, Wet’s see some documentation, then.
Shelom Shelok(searching through various scrolls and pouches:
Ah, hmm, yes, er, I know I have it here somewhere.
Tervis(looking at a pocketwatch):
You are wunning out of time to compwy with my wequest.
Ah yes, perhaps my servant has it. Bebir!
(a flash, and then BEBIR appears)
Would you please bring me my notice of diplomatic immunity from the duchess?
But you don’t have any-
Shelom Shelok (cutting him off desperately):
Yes, Bebir, I recall I left it on the duchess’ nightstand. Please
fetch it for me. Please…
(sighs) I’ll see what I can scare up.
If ever there was a time for Lady Luck to leave my side…
(Just then the villagers see Megloo, the Yellow Knight, and Gorgorum.)
Look! We’ve made it to Market Day! Just in time for the festivities!
Wait just a minute here. Who are you?
I’m Megloo Morkath, and I’ve traveled many days to be here. I have a
great sack of turnips.
Villager: Turnips! Who are your companions, wretched traveler?
Gorgorum, undead jester at your service, from the court of…er…Gastagog…the Nice.
I am Lethos, Yellow Knight and guardian of the turnips of kindness.
It is him! The destroyer has come!
The ancient prophecies foretold this day. The King in Yellow has come.
The age of chaos has begun!
(Villagers gasp and whisper nervously)
(Musical interlude: “The King in Yellow”)
I remember when the stranger first appeared
It was the thing we all feared
And the words that he spoke sent terror through our minds
“Have you seen the Yellow Sign?”
Coming in the age of chaos; Coming with the yellow sign
He is the messenger of the destruction of mankind
All the people weak of mind and wild beasts
Knelt down at his feet
So behind the pallid mask we hid away
We knew it was our final days
I am the king in yellow
Come to claim the throne
I am the crawling chaos
That gnaws upon men’s bones
I am the one whose coming
Is foretold by the yellow sign
I am Nyarlahotep
This new Aeon shall be mine
He is the crawling chaos
The three globed burning eye
The sound of depravity and insanity
As you realize your world is a lie
Nyarlahotep! EA! (4x)
Terror death destruction swept the land
With a wave of his hand
And in this time the elder gods returned
To cleanse and take back the earth
Yellow Knight(a little flustered and disturbed):
I think you’re mistaken, folks. He’s really nice. He helped carry my
turnips all the way here.
Vewy Intewesting. May I see your permit?
You must have the pwoper paperwork in order to sell turnips.
Otherwise, you are in Viowation of Section 45-C23Z.
(Breaking down into tears)
After all this chasing and whipping and groveling and walking and… Now
I’ll never get my hands back.
I’m afwaid you’ll have to come in for questioning.
Please, noble Konstable. I know you are a turtle of law and order. But
this lowly mongrelman is of stout heart. He saved me from certain
death at the hands of the Dreaded Snail Lord. Please spare him the
brunt of your legal wrath. Punish me instead if you must.
Welllllllll… As it happens there was a weward for anyone who killed
the Snail Lord. He had illegally nibbled at the king’s Wettuce. But
there is still the matter of selling turnips without a permit.
But Konstable, Megloo Morkath is not selling these turnips. He gives them away.
(the villagers seem astounded)
Well… There’s no waw against that.
Turnips for everybody!!
(begins handing out turnips)
I’m back, master! I brought a favor from the duchess!
(he holds out a bit of lacy garter)
I suppose that will suffice for now.
Hahahaha! What excellent timing, Bebir! See how happy these villagers
are? Our work is done here. Let us leave with no delay!
(EXIT BEBIR and SHELOM SHELOK)
(Meanwhile the villagers are eating the turnips; they slowly get sick
and die. Megloo and the Yellow Knight are oblivious to this.)
Say Megloo… Uh, it shames me to ask a favor of you, who have been my
key to salvation. Because of you, I have committed acts of kindness
toward the innocent and weak. And I will surely be promoted to Silver
(Gorgorum begins chortling gently)
Um, what do you need? Do you have lice?
No! Well, yes… But I was wondering…may I have a bit of turnip? I have
not eaten in many days.
Hmmm… OK. There’s only, um (tries to think) one left.
Yellow Knight (laughing):
Mongrelman, you are truly an example to us all.
(He takes a bite of turnip, just as the villagers begin to rise up as zombies.)
(Gorgorum laughs and begins a musical epilogue)